Jealousy, Hatred, Anger and Sadhana

Hatred:

It was in 2002, when I started learning music properly, there was a music competition in Math(Ashram) near our house in Chandneshwar. Both my brothers gave me a lot of enthusiasm to participate in this competition and I also agreed. For the first time in my life, I was participating in the competition and When I got on the stage, I started trembling with fear and for the first time I started holding the mike in my hand, then my hand started trembling, throat started trembling and when I started singing, when it ended, I didn’t know anything. After the end of my singing, I could hear that one or two people were compulsively clapping! Came back home very sad that night and I banged my head on the harmonium and started talking with him. The next morning an incident happened due to which I am able to feel the depths of music today. Supply water used to come right in front of our house and the whole village used to gather there to fill that supply water, the next morning all the villages had reached there to fill water And started talking about my singing last night, among all those people a man named Bapi da was mocking me and making fun of me in front of everyone, Bapi was showing everyone in a dramatic way like I was trembling while singing! I was watching and listening to all this sitting in my house, tears were flowing from my eyes and there was a lot of hatred on Bapi, I used to meet with him almost every day in the village and whenever I saw him, I was filled with hatred and I had made sure in my heart that I should show him one day by singing a song. Today that hatred has turned into gratitude. I express my gratitude to him from the bottom of my heart. If he had not insulted me that day, perhaps I would not have understood the infinite ocean of Music.

This story of mine is said because while doing music, many people will meet who will applaud, they will speak good but those who speak bad should be given gratitude because the same people want your well-being. The feeling of hatred for the people who call you bad will come in the initial stage, it is necessary to save it, if you express it, then the energies of your sadhana will be reduced.

Anger:

I had taken admission in Mumbai University in 2011-12 to do M.Mus and stayed in JS Hall Hostel in Churchgate, Mumbai. I made a lot of friends in the music department of the university. Jazim Sharma is one of those friends, who is famous today in the name of well-known Ghazal Singers across the world. Jazim used to live in a separate room in the hostel but whenever I am sitting to do my Sadhana, he used to come to my room and snatch the harmonium from me and start singing his ghazals and also ask me to sing as well But the technique of ghazal did not come down in my throat, still I used to try and jazim taunting me, Tere Se Ghazal Nahi Banega always used to speak. Whenever he used to say this, I used to get very angry with him. I used to stop my classical music practice and try singing ghazals just to show him But despite my best efforts, the ghazal was not sung till the very end And I used to get very sad about this. Some friends and I used to wrestle every evening in the style of WWE!! For that wrestling I used to get alone and Jazim on the other side and some friends. Our hard-hitting friend Late Devdutt Kulkarni used to play the role of referee. This wrestling was the only opportunity that used to cool my anger on Jazim!
I told this story of mine here because I have seen that if our aim in sadhana is not very strong then we can get influenced by anyone who can destroy, corrupt our sadhana and we go astray. We should follow the music of our soul, not try to connect our path with the rhythm of others. Like I did during my M.Mus, Ghazal was not my subject, Classical Music was the subject on which I had to stick, but due to ignorance, I lost my purpose. The subject which is not ours, by listening to someone, seeing or being influenced by someone’s words, when we try to study on that subject, then two things can happen, one we can do that thing well, otherwise because of not being proficient on that subject, we keep on burning with anger or we can get frustrated.

Jealousy:

“Jealousy is never a sign of purity, it only burns those who are jealous to ashes.”

In 2005/6, when I had enrolled in Utkal Sangeet Mahavidyalaya Bhubaneswar, my aim was absolutely sure. For the whole 5 years, I woke up every day at 4:00 am and continued to do my spiritual practice which is the sanskar of my late father. Seeing my waking up in the morning, some of my friends used to try to get up at 4:00 am to do sadhna and they used to sit beside me and used to play harmonium on a different scale but I didn’t get any effect from them. When all of them used to do this, my attention became more firm, I used to try to listen to my voices more carefully. Their jealousy was helpful in my sadhana because my aim was only in doing sadhna, just like a thirsty person needs water. I got the opportunity to stay in the shelter of great gurus in my musical journey, I have seen many disciples of those gurus having strong jealousy from each other. If a disciple of a guru is doing a very good job, then only the disciples of the same guru get burnt by the fire of jealousy, we have also seen this. Jealousy is never a sign of purity, it only burns those who are jealous to ashes.

We should also keep in mind that music is not tied to any other person, music is free like the sky, music binds everyone with one sound, music is the father of all individuals and creation. In the initial practice stage of music, one can be centered, but as you sink into the continuum of cultivation, the music will shine like a ray of sunshine.